Jonas: the coolest and hottest man who has ever lived! Have you seen hotter? Liar! You're lying to yourself, to the world, to love: to everything that's ever been and ever will be. Jonas was born in some place that was awful and that we don't want to go into right now: but rest assured, it was terrible. Not as terrible as his hideous, untalented parents, who are an ascending tricolon of grotesquery: ugly, unattractive and hideous. Are these synonyms? No! You're a synonym, you fool, you dolt, you moron. How you look matters, get some self-respect, ok?

After Jonas had escaped the grips of his parasitic parents, Jonas wandered the Phantom Ridge, spreading joy and good cheer whilst inventing all manner of incredible machine. However, it was The Axiomatic Clock that cemented his ascendance to a pantheon of one. And wowadoozle, what an invention it was: "The Clock That Tells You Everything And Nothing," adverts shouted. "It does NOT eat cats!" Shouted another. Soon, everyone had an Axiomatic Clock and cat numbers were at all time low (unrelated). JONACO was on the rise!

However, darkness fell over JONACO, as it attempted to spread its benign influence across the ridge. Some towns didn't want JONACO's bounties and gifts of knowledge. One town - Phantom Peak - even staged a blimp crash using a JONACO blimp to try and posit Jonas as some sort of villain, when he is anything but. Hot? Yes. Cool? Double yes? Villainous?! Jonas is no baddie, apart from in the loose, slangy, teen sense which confusingly means the opposite, a term no doubt concocted by children to confuse their elders and betters as the starter pistol for a Violent Intergenerational War™.

Fortunately, everyone who has ever resisted JONACO eventually dies - and Jonas is forever, not literally, but metaphorically, he's like 37 or something (and kinda ageless - like, he must have quite the skincare regime!). And now, you, too are part of JONACO - by reading these words, JONACO is now inside you, worming into your brain. And that means that if JONACO is in your mind, then Jonas is already in your heart - which, let's face it, needs work. Get to the gym sometime - that cholesterol isn't going to tackle itself.

JONACO: Because We Can